It's true, we can't always love the one with are with all the time. Sometimes partners just get on your nerves. But if we can't always love the one we are with, what steps can we take to make sure those moments of not loving, are pastuerised to remove any lingering toxins? The following is a severely reduced take of a post from the Greater Good Magazine, "What to Do When You Hate the One You Love."
Have you ever hated your partner?
You are not alone: It turns out that almost all of us have times when we strongly dislike the people we love the most—although some of us may not even realize it.
In a series of studies, Vivian Zayas and Yuichi Shoda found that people don’t just love or hate significant others. They love and hate them—and that’s normal. The key to getting through the inevitable hard times, as my own research suggests, is to never stop trying to understand where your partner is coming from.
So how do you increase understanding during conflict? Here are seven suggestions for how to think and act to do so.
- Instead of asserting your own point of view, try to take your partner’s perspective. Make it your goal to understand why your partner feels the way they do.
- Avoid the four horsemen of the apocalypse—criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling.
- Give your partner the benefit of the doubt. Assume that their intentions are not malicious.
- Take a moment to reflect on your partner’s positive traits. You can even try some gratitude-inducing techniques.
- Think of you and your partner as a team, rather than opponents. Your goal is to figure out together why you do not see eye-to-eye and find a solution; it is not to win the fight and prove your partner wrong.
- Recognize that it won’t always be easy to follow these suggestions, especially if your partner isn’t playing by the same rules.
- Give yourself a mantra to repeat when you start feeling angry to help you remember your goal—even something as simple as “be understanding.”